


The Gruesome Garage

by SleepingReader



Category: Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Family, Gen, Not Beta Read, Rating May Change, Set between the Miserable Mill and the Austere Academy, Writing Exercise, the Baudelaire Family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 11:27:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9488990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepingReader/pseuds/SleepingReader
Summary: Dear Reader,If you like reading fluffy fanfiction in which everyone ends up in a happy family, I suggest you try the SpongeBob fandom. Not only is this not a happy fan fiction, it is also a story featuring an explosion, a bad insurance company, an aggressive duck, and some very loud music. It is my solemn duty to tell the tale of the unfortunate Baudelaire orphans, but you do not have to read this woeful spiel. Please, do what your conscience tells you to do, and look away.With all due respect,Lemony Snicket





	

\----------------------------------------------------

For Beatrice,  
’Til death do us part  
Sadly, it already has

\----------------------------------------------------

The phrase “Have a shot at something” has nothing to do with guns. It can have something to do with guns, but as this is a child-friendly fan fiction, we will try to skip everything to do with guns, although a gun may be involved later. 

“Having a shot at something” is simply the way we say “Try to do something, often for the first time” For example, you might have a shot at getting a good grade in school, even though you know your least favourite subject won’t become easier if you try to stuff outdated information of a book into your head in the span of one evening, and you probably should have studied at the beginning of the semester. 

Another way you “have a shot at something” is when you are already competent at one thing, and then move on to another thing that is relevant to the first thing, such as an actor who has a shot at producing, or a writer who has a shot at narrating a TV show. 

All that Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire knew, was that they were in the car to yet another new guardian. On the paper clutched in Violets hand were the words “Cousin Grant”. Violet stared at the words, remembering her Aunt Josephine’s handwriting, and the terrible incident that befell her. Klaus stared at the paper, remembering the horrible time they had at the Lucky Smells Lumber Mill. And Sunny stared at the desert and sandy landscape moving past the windows, and remembered all of the car journeys they had been on before, driving from one guardian to the next. And all of them wondered if they finally might have a shot at a normal life.  
“I have to say, children, that I’m not entirely sure about the safety of this guardian” Mr. Poe said, looking in his rearview mirror at the Baudelaires.  
“Jenga!” Sunny said, which meant something like “We weren’t sure about Count Olaf and you didn’t do anything to help us escape him!”  
Violet and Klaus, who had understood Sunny perfectly, chose not to translate for Mr. Poe. Instead, Klaus said “How is that, Mr. Poe?  
“Well, you see, Klaus, your Cousin Grant is a mechanic, who lives and works in a car repair shop. A lot of things are very dangerous about a car repair shop.”  
“A car repair shop?” Violet asked, looking considerably happier, and already tying her hair up with a ribbon. Klaus could almost hear the cogs and wheels of her brain turn in anticipation of being able to invent something again.  
“I’m sure we will be quite safe” Klaus said. “After all, we’ve been with Uncle Monty, and he studied snakes”  
“And we’ve been with Aunt Josephine, whose house was at the literal edge of a cliff” Violet said.  
“Zortea!” Sunny said, which meant something like “And we’ve been at the Lucky Smells Lumber Mill, and that wasn’t safe at all!”  
“What my sister means,” Klaus said, “Is that we’ve been through dangerous situations before, and we’re sure that we’ll come to no harm in the car repair shop of Cousin Grant.”  
"Well, I'm sure your Cousin Grant will try his best for you." Mr. Poe said.  
"Where does he.." Violet began to ask, but Mr. Poe had one of his coughing fits again and Violet was forced to wait out his coughing attack. But when he was done, they had already pulled up to a car repair shop that was in a state of disrepair, a word which here means: Looked slightly rickety, and ready to blow up in any second. Gasoline spills threw a slight sheen on the pavement, and the door to the repair shop was covered in graffiti, the likes of which I shall not describe in a PG-rated fanfiction.  
But the man who opened the garage door, his blue overall covered in oil stains and his equally oily-looking hair sticking up at strange places from his head, as if he were a particularly blue pineapple, smiled broadly at the children. He wore dark, sturdy shoes with steel-capped toes, an aforementioned blue overall, and white earphones, that, the Baudelaires would learn, hardly ever left his ears. He  
walked out to greet them, while Mr. Poe stopped the car. 

"HELLO CHILDREN!," Cousin Grant yelled, "IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU!"  
"How do you do?" Said Violet.  
"WHAT?" Yelled Cousin Grant. "SPEAK UP A LITTLE, MY HEARING IS NO GOOD"  
"I SAID, HOW DO YOU DO!?" Violet shouted.  
"OH, FINE! THANK YOU! I'M HAPPY TO SEE YOU ALL! COME IN! COME IN!" As they were ushered into Cousin Grants workshop, Violet saw that she would, indeed, be happy there. For as rickety the outer garage looked, the more shiny and perfect the inside looked. All sorts of car parts and tools lined the walls, all sorted meticulously, a word which here means 'placed there by Cousin Grant with the utmost care'  
When Klaus stepped in the garage, he saw the wonder in his sister's eyes, but he also saw the small library hidden in a corner, near a comfy chair. An obvious waiting point for customers, as this was the only garage for a long time on the long road between the city where the Baudelaires had lived, and another city many miles away.  
Sunny was carried by Klaus, and she immediately saw many things to bite, which was not hard, but she was pleased about it anyway.  
But what all of the children noticed at the same time was how very loud it was in the garage. Not only were there many machines that were whirring, but there was also very loud music coming from boxes on the ceiling. Mr. Poe tried to say something, but simply couldn't be heard above the music. Sunny tried to say something, but found she couldn't even hear herself. Klaus looked at a glass of water on a nearby table, and saw that the water inside the glass was shaking from the depth of the bass.  
Cousin Grant went to stand in front of them with a big smile. He started to say something, then realised that his music made everyone not hear right, and turned the volume down. 

"I'M SORRY FOR THAT, EVERYONE. I JUST CAN'T STAND THE SILENCE! I'M VERY HAPPY TO HAVE YOU ALL HERE, BECAUSE MAYBE YOU'LL MAKE SOME EXTRA NOISE! AS YOU ALL PROBABLY GUESSED, I'M YOUR COUSIN GRANT. YOU MAY CALL ME COUSIN GRANT, OR GRANT, OR "HEY! YOU IN THE OVERALL!" WHATEVER YOU LIKE!"  
"Cousin Grant, you don't have to..." Klaus tried to say  
"I'M SO SORRY KLAUS, I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING BELOW A SHOUT! BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND THE SILENCE, I'M AFRAID I DAMAGED MY EARS BEYOND REPAIR!" Cousin Grant shouted.  
Violet, Klaus and Sunny looked at each other in silence. Of course, your parents or guardians have taught you to keep the volume of your music down, because it's not only bad for your ears, it's also rude to listen to music of a very loud volume where you are, say, on the bus. I'm afraid Cousin Grant was one of those people who had never been taught that. But as he showed the Baudelaires his home, the children couldn't help but feel a slight sense of relief. For, as much as he was loud in everything he did, Cousin Grant was also kind, gentle and funny. Mr. Poe did not stay long, as he had to get back to the bank. What he did do was ensure the children that him and his colleagues at Mulctuary Money Management would be there whenever they needed him. Violet, Klaus and Sunny were skeptical about this, a word which here means "did not believe Mr. Poe when he said that he and his colleagues at Mulctuary Money Management would be there when they needed them, because they had needed them for many times, but they never showed up." 

They said goodbye to Mr. Poe, and Cousin Grant took them for a tour around the small house. The Baudelaires quickly learned that Cousin Grant only ever shouted, and could only ever be shouted at, since his hearing was so bad. Violet, Klaus and Sunny found that their throats got sore very quickly.  
"I HAVE GIFTS FOR ALL OF YOU" he said. "I HEARD FROM A FRIEND WHAT YOUR INTERESTS WERE AND I HOPE I'VE GOTTEN THE GIFTS RIGHT"  
The children remembered how Aunt Josephine had given them gifts, and how unhappy they had been with them. But they appreciated Cousin Grant (And Aunt Josephine's) kindness, and so looked up at the parcels that were held out to them.  
"I ALSO WANTED TO ASSURE YOU THAT THAT COUNT OLAF FIGURE THAT SEEMS TO BE CHASING YOU WON'T FIND YOU HERE, AND IF HE DOES, WE'LL STOP HIS EVIL PLANS!" Cousin Grant shouted. Violet, Klaus and Sunny were also skeptical about this, as no adult so far had seen through Olaf's disguises, but their throats were too sore to explain anything about it.  
"NOW WHO WAS THE READER?" he asked. "MY FRIEND WAS UNCLEAR"  
"That's… me." Klaus said, completely baffled that someone had actually taken the trouble to find what his interests were.  
"WHAT?"  
"THAT'S ME! I'M THE READER!" Klaus shouted, and was given a parcel containing an encyclopedia full of facts about cars, trains and other vehicles.  
"I REALISE THAT YOU'RE GONNA GET TIRED OF CARS SOON, BUT I WANTED TO WELCOME YOU THIS WAY" Cousin Grant shouted.  
"THANK YOU!" Klaus yelled enthusiastically. "I WAS WONDERING HOW CARS WORK!"  
"YOU'RE WELCOME!" Cousin Grant said happily. "THEN VIOLET, YOU MUST BE THE INVENTOR?"  
"I AM, COUSIN GRANT!"  
"WELL, YOU'RE OF COURSE VERY WELCOME TO USE MY WORKSHOP, BUT I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ALSO APPRECIATE THESE."  
Violet was given a parcel containing steel-capped shoes, an overall and a small toolkit.  
"THANK YOU! I LOVE THEM!" Violet shouted, delighted she was going to be working at her interest again"  
"I'M HAPPY TO HAVE YOU HERE!" Cousin Grant yelled. "NOW, SUNNY! YOU LIKE TO BITE THINGS?"  
"SI!" Sunny yelled and received a parcel as well  
"I'M VERY SORRY THAT THIS IS A DOG TOY, BUT I HAVE DONE SOME RESEARCH AND THIS ONE COMES WITH A LIFELONG GUARANTEE. IF YOU BREAK IT, THEY'LL REPLACE IT."  
Sunny was too delighted to say "thank you" or even "SALAMAT", which meant "THANK YOU VERY MUCH" and uttered a squeal of delight, and immediately began chewing on the toy, which, as promised, was very sturdy.  
They were all also given two last gifts. Noise-cancelling headphones, a very clever and sensible invention for, say, you dislike loud noises, you have a guardian who does like loud noises, or if you don't want to hear the cries from the cell opposite your own. The children put them on, and found them to be very comfortable, and also able to reduce the noise from the speakers. The other gift was a small bag of cough pastilles, "TO HELP WITH THE SORE THROAT FROM THE SHOUTING" 

The Baudelaires were then shown to their bedroom, which consisted of two very comfortable beds and a very comfortable cot. Cousin Grant shouted an apology, but "THIS IS A VERY SMALL HOUSE AND IT'S THE ONLY ROOM THAT'S LEFT." The children shoutingly assured him that it was no problem, and that they were happy to share a room. Cousin Grant then left them to get used to their new house, and their gifts.

"I LIKE HIM A LOT" Violet said, while trying on her new shoes. The ears of all the children were ringing from the loud music and their throats were sore from shouting.  
"WE DON'T HAVE TO SHout anymore," Klaus said, opening his book. "We can talk in normal voices now."  
"You're right!" Violet said. "I wonder how Cousin Grant has damaged his ears"  
"As much as I like him, too, I must say I find the music a little loud"  
"Ring!" Sunny said, which meant something like "My ears are ringing from the loud music! Thank goodness we have these headphones to help us with that!"  
"Yes, thank goodness for the headphones!" Klaus said. "But how are we going to communicate if we're wearing them?"  
"I may have an idea to help us with that," Violet said, holding up her noise-cancelling headphones. "I'll think about it."  
"I do hope you'll find a solution, as much as I hope that Count Olaf won't find us here" Klaus said, and the mood in the room darkened.  
"We'll just have to see what lies ahead," Violet said. "Maybe he won't find us here. It is a long way, after all…"  
"I hope he won't. I hope we never see him again."  
The children then sat on their respective beds, Violet examining her toolkit, Klaus starting to read in his book, and Sunny gnawing happily on her toy.  
After half an hour, Cousin Grant called them from the kitchen.

"DINNER IS READY, KIDS! I'VE TAKEN A SHOT AT MAKING SUSHI!" Cousin Grant shouted.  
"WE'RE COMING! Violet yelled down the hallway. When they came into the kitchen, the sushi was already piled up on their plates. Judging by the quality of the sushi, Cousin Grant had had a great shot at making them indeed. The children had never had sushi in their lives, but took a shot at the little rolls anyway, and found that they liked them. And as the Baudelaire children got ready for bed, they thought they might even have a shot at happiness for a while.

I wish I could say that was the end of the story. But as you may have learned from previous installments, a word which here means books and television series, you have also learned that the moment things seem to go right in the lives of the Baudelaires, there is always something lurking in the shadows, and I am sad to say, that very thing - or should I say, someone - is lurking in the next chapter as well.

If you want to have a happy week, convinced that the Baudelaires will not come to harm, please don't click the "Next Chapter" button below. You have been warned.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to take this note field here to say that this is an exercise in writing I have set myself, in which I try to write in the style of different authors, while finding my own. In this case, impersonating Lemony Snicket is critical, as that is the writing style of the books and the series. 
> 
> I do not own A Series Of Unfortunate Events, the characters or anything else apart from my OC Cousin Grant, who can be used for just about anything, should you be so inclined. 
> 
> Thank you for reading this unfortunate tale.  
> Comments? Questions? Leave a note!
> 
> With all due respect,  
> Sleeping Reader


End file.
